Bringing Her Home for the First Time

This week’s theme: How to Get Someone to Love You

Situation:
You’re a man and this is the first or second date with a girl you like. Things go well, so you both decide to go back to your place. Here’s what you should do:

1) Make sure you clean your toilet. Girls don’t like filthy toilets.

2) Place a few scented candles around the place and plug in a nightlight somewhere; those things make people feel safe for some reason.

3) Have a few ALIVE plants around so you look like a nature lover/ someone who can take care of something else. Pets are better than plants here, and both are a guaranteed homerun.

4) Photoshop yourself on a few book covers and cover really big books with them – claim you wrote them or they are about you. She’ll be very impressed! She’ll probably want to look at them, don’t stop her. Instead, have all the pages glued together – say it was a mean prank your friend Joe pulled on you. Bonus points: have your date’s name in the title and go on about “I know, what are the chances.”

5) Make your bed and move the TV close to it. If you have other TVs, hide them. While you are on your date, find out her favorite movies. For example, “Cocoon” and “Terms of Endearment.” Say, “Wow, what a coincidence, I just rented those, I have them at home.” Excuse yourself, call your buddy and have him rent those two movies and leave them by the TV. Important note: make sure he rents one wildcard movie, in this case, “Awakenings.” When she comes back to your place, has downed a few beers from eating the salty foods you laid out, ask her if she’d like to just watch a bit of one of her favorite movies. You’ll have to watch them while sitting on the bed, which most likely will lead to other things.

6) Have some people leave really important messages on your answering machine. At some point, either right when you get home or after you’ve offered her a beverage, say that you were expecting an important call and you need to check your messages. Go and check the answering machine – play it loud so she can clearly hear it. Here are a few examples messages:

“Hi (your name here) this is Tim Johnson with the US Department of Public Transportation. It was wonderful meeting you last week and we’ve decided to go ahead with your proposal on biothermal powered public buses. We just need to do some paperwork before we can officially get you the long-overdue research funding. Please give a call at your earliest convenience.”

“Hey (your name here), it’s Todd. Call me back man.” (You have to have at least one of these to make it more real)

“Hello (your name here). It’s Gina Smith with Harvard’s Department of Criminal Justice. We would like to schedule a time in November for you to give the students a lecture on your incredible Panopticon research. Please call my office at your earliest convenience. 617-495-1000.”

“Hey (your name here). It’s Sam over at GQ, can you shoot Will Ferrell tomorrow for July’s cover story. That’d be awesome, oh, and sorry for the short notice, you can do it over at Anthem Studios in Hollywood. The shoot begins at 8am, Annie Leibovitz backed out at the last minute, she can be SO hard to deal with. I’m ranting, call my cell right away. 917.846.9876. Thanks so much, I owe you one.”

7) Have your place a bit warm (e.g. turn on the heat). This does one of two things or both, girls tend to run a bit on the cooler side, so she will be comfortable and/or clothing has to be shed, jackets, long shirts and shoes. This is slightly creepy and you may not want to follow through with this one.

[tags]marc horowitz first date home things todo love lover loving possible future creative solutions[/tags]