I’m in San Francisco at the moment enjoying high places, so I will leave you with my emergency top secret post. An excerpt from my new book scheduled to come out this summer – “Butts in Museums.” Here’s a peek, don’t get too excited:
Beneath are the final entries of a journal uncovered near a Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton…
March 27, 65,000,000 B.C. – It’s been sixteen days since that asteroid hit Brachiosaurus’s place and this Goddamn dust cloud is really pissing me off. Even though we all found that the air is easier to breathe in this big forest, I’ve been eating nothing but acorns for over a week. Last night, Raptor called an emergency session of the neighborhood council, but the only thing that goddamn guy could do was make jokes about the weather. “Hot enough for ya?” Growl. Don’t blame me. I voted Triceratops.
Current Mood: Frustrated!
March 28 – I went down to the tar pit to cool off, but when I showed up I got the cold shoulder. Even Brontosaurus was being all shifty, wouldn’t give me none of that Bronto-booty. Then that retarded Stegosaurus went into the deep end again and almost drowned. I was the first to scream at people to go get help, but when Raptor pulled Stegosaurus out of the tar pit he got all the credit! Screw everyone. I’m serious.
Current Mood: Annoyed!
March 29 – So while I was in my lean-to last night, that Raptor reconvened the neighborhood counsel without me! I couldn’t sleep in all this heat so I trudged over to Brontosaurus’s nest to get some action. Guess what! She was packing! Those sons-of-bitches were going to march south and leave me behind! I’m going to give Raptor a piece of my mind.
Current Mood: Randy!
March 29, later – I ate Raptor, declared myself the new leader of the neighborhood counsel, and demanded that we stay right here in the forest. I regret nothing. I am king of the dinosaurs!
Current Mood: Tyrannical!
March 31 – Much has transpired, little journal of mine. Sorry I haven’t kept you up to date, but for awhile I couldn’t find you. All that time, you were in my jacket pocket. All that time. I’m so sleepy, y’know? Everyone’s gone, journal. A couple of days ago they just left. They said they were sick of me bossing them around, but I said I was sick of them never listening! Now I’m sorry that I yelled. It’s lonely here. I’m sure my handwriting’s atrocious, but I no longer have Stegosaurus here to lick my eyes clean of all the ash. These damn arms are useless.
Current Mood: Somber.
April 2 – The heat and the air are making it hard to stand up, so I’ve taken to lying down. It’s going to be hard for me to get back up, but I’m sure when Brontosaurus comes back she’ll give me a boost.
Current Mood: “Like a lazy Sunday morning”
April 2, later — I never really knew my father.
Current Mood: (left blank)
April 4 – A monkey climbed out of the tree and took a dump on my head. I think it was laughing at me. I couldn’t do anything. What is this world coming to? There’s no discipline. I can’t help but think that the asteroid was really all some giant monkey conspiracy. I hate you, monkey. I really, really do.
Current Mood: Extinct :>(
This is brought to you by Zach Ayers – tune in every Wednesday for a post by him.
[tags]zach ayers t rex journal sad[/tags]
I had a dream the other day that I was driving through a tunnel and my car got stuck in it. So I ran down the hill to try and find help. None found. So I ran back up the hill. Suddenly I was decked out in sweat runner’s gear and the hill became something totally different than the one I ran down. It looked like the lush green hills of Whales. There were tons of people around and I began climbing this strange brick wall to get to this orchard-like spot where everyone was headed. I asked these two guys, that looked like Irish plumbers, what the big deal was all about. They said there was a big party at the mansion up top. okay.
I followed them. They said they had to make a quick detour and ran off behind this broken down brick wall. I carefully, quietly followed them and peeked around the wall. The two guys jumped into this huge bubbling pit of mud and then quickly were shot out as mud people. Then one of them jumped backwards and midair he began to grow in size. Eventually he splattered against the side of a dilapited brick building and totally melded with it. Now he was this gigantic brick creature and he jumped down to the ground and started walking toward me. As he did, he began to transform into a normal-sized transvestite. (s)He escorted me into the party which was full of playboys, beautiful people, Hollywood agents – 1930’s Los Angeles glamor style. I was taken around to all these different rooms by my new friend, but all I could think about was if my stuck car was ok. That’s all I can remember.
I tried looking this up on one of those dream interpretation sites, but I couldn’t find mud person transvestite. If you have any ideas, please let me know.
Regardless, this was way better than any Harry Potter movie.
[tags]mud people dream transvestite harry potter 1930s los angeles hollywood[/tags]
Here’s how it works: Someone would open the suitcase and a fan would fill a big bag and it would quickly engulf the whole room forcing everyone to leave. Someone may get trapped, that is the excitement, being 1/10,000 over the threshold of safety with this project. So in a way it’s way better than any car chase movie you’ll see.
[tags]suitcase, patrons, art, marc, horowitz, big, fan, bag, air, science, fun, car, chase, movie, 1/10000[/tags]
If you can’t afford a pool, we’ll build you a fake gold mine shaft entrance. That way it looks as if you have something really important going on and there absolutely is no time for a pool.
Your neighbors will think you’re gonna be rich, the kids will forget all about the idea of a pool, and you can finally hold family events at your house, impressing everyone due to your new found fortune.
Bring one of the most popular 19th century landscaping ideas into the 21st century.
Don’t miss this GOLDEN opportunity. If you call within the next 9 days, we’ll throw in a free burro and ten feet of rail.
[tags]marc horowitz home decorating fake gold mine shaft entrance 21st century[/tags]
Toilet Seat Covers – Why are they so pathetic!??!! I remember when I saw my first toilet seat cover – I thought, ” finally I will never have to lay down toilet paper again!” Wrong – 8 times out of 10 I usually resort to the old fashioned method of carefully placing pieces of TP round the seat.
Those damn covers always rip when you try to get them out of the perforated box. Then you have to carefully tear out the center part, and once you get that all worked out on your 2nd or 3rd try, you have lay it down just right or the center part starts taking water too fast and the whole damn thing sinks into the bowl. To top that, at the sort of establishments I hang out, there is usually no lock on the stall door, making it a bit more urgently painful. And god knows whose what sort of rump has touched that seat before mine!
Here are a few techniques that you may wish to consider if you are suffering from toilet seat cover frustration:
Make a rubber seat cover and carry it with you.
Lacquer your ass.
Use the hover technique.
Ask management to install Turkish toilets.
Hold it in using a cork or sheer will.
Use my newly patented pending NIKE AIR TOILET and never again sit on a dirty seat.
But really in the end, what are you going to get from a toilet seat anyhow? As Columbia University’s Health Promotion Program sums it up: “Because toilet seats are not major culprits in spreading disease, paper or plastic seat covers offer little more than peace of mind. In fact, you have more to fear from bathroom door handles and faucets than from commodes.”
So all this for nothing.
[tags]toilet seat covers marc horowitz nike air poop pee dirty columbia university health promotion program[/tags]