Beneath are the final entries of a journal uncovered near a Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton…
March 27, 65,000,000 B.C. – It’s been sixteen days since that asteroid hit Brachiosaurus’s place and this Goddamn dust cloud is really pissing me off. Even though we all found that the air is easier to breathe in this big forest, I’ve been eating nothing but acorns for over a week. Last night, Raptor called an emergency session of the neighborhood council, but the only thing that goddamn guy could do was make jokes about the weather. “Hot enough for ya?” Growl. Don’t blame me. I voted Triceratops.
Current Mood: Frustrated!
March 28 – I went down to the tar pit to cool off, but when I showed up I got the cold shoulder. Even Brontosaurus was being all shifty, wouldn’t give me none of that Bronto-booty. Then that retarded Stegosaurus went into the deep end again and almost drowned. I was the first to scream at people to go get help, but when Raptor pulled Stegosaurus out of the tar pit he got all the credit! Screw everyone. I’m serious.
Current Mood: Annoyed!
March 29 – So while I was in my lean-to last night, that Raptor reconvened the neighborhood counsel without me! I couldn’t sleep in all this heat so I trudged over to Brontosaurus’s nest to get some action. Guess what! She was packing! Those sons-of-bitches were going to march south and leave me behind! I’m going to give Raptor a piece of my mind.
Current Mood: Randy!
March 29, later – I ate Raptor, declared myself the new leader of the neighborhood counsel, and demanded that we stay right here in the forest. I regret nothing. I am king of the dinosaurs!
Current Mood: Tyrannical!
March 31 – Much has transpired, little journal of mine. Sorry I haven’t kept you up to date, but for awhile I couldn’t find you. All that time, you were in my jacket pocket. All that time. I’m so sleepy, y’know? Everyone’s gone, journal. A couple of days ago they just left. They said they were sick of me bossing them around, but I said I was sick of them never listening! Now I’m sorry that I yelled. It’s lonely here. I’m sure my handwriting’s atrocious, but I no longer have Stegosaurus here to lick my eyes clean of all the ash. These damn arms are useless.
Current Mood: Somber.
April 2 – The heat and the air are making it hard to stand up, so I’ve taken to lying down. It’s going to be hard for me to get back up, but I’m sure when Brontosaurus comes back she’ll give me a boost.
Current Mood: “Like a lazy Sunday morning”
April 2, later — I never really knew my father.
Current Mood: (left blank)
April 4 – A monkey climbed out of the tree and took a dump on my head. I think it was laughing at me. I couldn’t do anything. What is this world coming to? There’s no discipline. I can’t help but think that the asteroid was really all some giant monkey conspiracy. I hate you, monkey. I really, really do.
Current Mood: Extinct :>(
This is brought to you by Zach Ayers – tune in every Wednesday for a post by him.
[tags]zach ayers t rex journal sad[/tags]
Filed under 001 Imagination, 034 Zach Ayers, intss blog by on Apr 5th, 2007. Comment. 
I’m in San Francisco at the moment enjoying high places, so I will leave you with my emergency top secret post. An excerpt from my new book scheduled to come out this summer – “Butts in Museums.” Here’s a peek, don’t get too excited:
Filed under 001 Imagination, intss blog by on Apr 4th, 2007. 2 Comments.
1) I was taking pictures of clouds Tuesday while exiting the 101, some guy started honking at me. I politely pulled over and flipped him off. He reversed his car, blocked mine in, got out, first tried to get into my car, couldn’t, then started punching my passenger side window. Moral: Don’t take pictures while driving. New TV show on PBS: From Clouds to Road Rage: America in the Crosshairs. New TV show on SPIKE: Crazy Best of Moments of LA Roadrage. Here is a pic of the clouds and a pic of the guy after he got done assaulting my car.
2) I put off my taxes for yet another week.
3) REALLY quit smoking – it’s been 11 days today
4) I had a dream about three talking logs that just floated in space. One of them was blinking from the inside like ET’s finger.
5) I can’t stop plucking my beard hairs – I’ve picked out an entire patch leaving it bald – it looks so stupid now.
6) I think Miami Dolphins should change their name to the Miami Caviars; Dolphins are so last year.
7) I came across a banana peel hanging from a tree; it was epic.
8) I have thousands of gnats in my apartment cause I over-water my plants. I tried baiting them into a jar of vinegar but I think my gnats have evolved and become much smarter than that.
9) I was approached for change 3 times.
10) Invented a new housing solution – Hovercraft Homes. We have all this air space, why not have homes hovering over other homes?
11) Threw out my 5 year expired aspirin.
12) Saw two men in sombreros jumping rope.
13) Almost bought the domain hella.tv
14) Finally got good enough at Guitar Hero to play on medium level.
15) I tried levitating things again – this is not as easy as they make it look.
16) Wondered why there isn’t an all-Jewish cellphone company, then realized that Jews are too neurotic to put electronics together.
17) Hid $20 in my apartment and I’m trying to forget where I hid it.
18) Thought of some top-secret plans for Michael Winslow.
19) What would happen if dairy-free guy met wrinkle-free man?
20) Listened to my fair share of bullshit.
21) Looked up a “Ron Pearl” in the phone book and gave him a call – it turned out to be quite awkward.
22) Contemplated taking Ritalin for a brief moment.
23) I’m going to skip this.
24) Thought several times to myself over the course of the week – “They used to make them better.”
25) Listened to my fair share of Daft Punk.
26) Drank 7 beers.
27) Bought my mom a gift.
28) Spilled a bunch of water on my hardwood floor and left it there.
29) Entered 92 different doorways (this was painful to keep track of).
30) Lost at the California lottery.
31) Bought my first book on tape.
32) Realized we DO need more robots.
33) Learned about someone’s secret passcode – “heybaby.”
34) I’d like to take this line to thank you for welcoming me into your circle.
35) Neat
36) Heard a story about a friend who wiped his ass on a date’s shower curtain because there was no toilet paper.
37) Finally broke down and went to buy Polo Cologne. They were out. So sad.
38) Heard a story about someone’s house getting really robbed, but the burglars left a sheet of acid wrapped in tin foil in the freezer.
39) Saw an incredible movie – “The Host” – Go see it!!!
40) Saw a not-so-incredible movie – “Idiocracy” – Don’t go see it!!!
41) Made a vow to myself and broke it.
42) Got a portable DVD player so I can watch movies from the shower.
43) Joined all my hard drives together for the first time ever. All those fans and weird computer noises – so powerful!
44) Put too much moisturizer on my hands and now they are all prune-like and it won’t go away.
45) Baghdad – such a mess!
46) Happened upon the scene of a stabbing. Who stabs people anymore!?!?
47) Had a dream last night that I traveled back in time to San Francisco 1981 punk scene. While there, I got a call on my cell phone? It was my friend Joe, he was there too. I couldn’t get over the fact that our cell phones worked in 1981 with no cell phone towers. A major breakthrough folks!
48) I saw this guy at an art opening. I’ve always wondered about people that take their parrots out in public. They always have poop on the back of their shirt and don’t really care – that’s just strange.
49) Went to the arcade and interviewed a bunch of kids that play Mortal Kombat.
50) Bought some of these T.G.I. Friday’s Bacon and Cheddar potato skins and ate them with cinnamon toast crunch cereal. Note: NOT a good combination.
Filed under 001 Imagination, intss blog by on Mar 30th, 2007. 2 Comments.
I finally broke my streak of not finding squid ink pasta last night – I ordered the biggest bowl they had!
While slurping away, it came very clear to me that this is exactly how Hermann Rorschach came up with his famous ink blot test.
What do you see (leave your answers in the comments section – my answers are below):
I
II
III
my answers:
I. I saw several things in this. The first was a diamond ring; then after studying it a bit more and flipping it upside down (which you can do by simply turning your monitor upside down) I saw what looked like an owl-moose creature with a neck beard and ascot and a crown floating above its head supported by a series of magnets.
II. A seahorse battling with a clipart arm
III. What the perimeter of my butthole probably looked like today after I pooped. My shit was jetblack!
[tags]squid ink pasta shit Hermann Rorschach neck beard black poop seahorse warshack[/tags]
Filed under 001 Imagination, intss blog by on Mar 29th, 2007. 8 Comments.
A fitting gift for any good agent!
Another wonderful invention brought to you by yours truly. When I had it made, I wanted six “really” in the thing, but it got to be too long.
[tags]hollywood agent marc horowitz gift ideas[/tags]
Filed under 001 Imagination, intss blog by on Mar 28th, 2007. Comment.
I had a very teensee weensee cup of the brown water last night around 10pm. Not cool – I was jamming in my head and listening to old Daft Punk until 3 in the morning. I almost started up the first cd I ever bought “She drives me crazy, ew , eww… Like no one else… ewww… eww.. She drives me crazy, And I can’t help myself… eww,ewww.” Not good.
I did finish up my essay on taking a quantum leap into the future to save the horses from eating the ice cream though! more to come on this in a bit.
[tags]coffee late night marc horowitz horses quantum leap fine young canibals ice cream daft punk[/tags]
Filed under 001 Imagination, intss blog by on Mar 27th, 2007. Comment.
I went to the Getty Museum in LA over the weekend and saw this painting. I’ve seen it before in books and magazines, but I never really had the chance of looking at it so closely. What is she seated on? Is this the first exercise ball in history or is it merely a huge (mythical) fart bubble? or both?
And why can’t we see the man’s leg through the unbreakable mythical exercise fart bubble thingy? Do men’s legs disappear in those sort of things? This could be the answer to the world’s pollution problems or time travel or getting rich quick.
You be the judge.
[tags]marc horowitz getty museum mythical fart bubble exercise ball thingy[/tags]
Filed under 001 Imagination, intss blog by on Mar 26th, 2007. 5 Comments.
I met Zach while shopping for trauma beans. He’s a nice man. Zach will write for ineedtostopsoon dot com every Wednesday from this day forth. Take it away…
< ------------------------------------------------------>
Oprah, Thou Maketh God So Horny
By Zach Ayers
Don’t be alarmed, Oprah Winfrey. This is a divine vision and I bring you tidings of great joy. I am your lord God and I seriously want to make out all over you. We should totally kick it at my pad. I got some Remy Martin and this oversized soaking tub here and the cable guy totally hooked me up with free Cinemax. Ooooh girl, we’d totally jiggy it…up?
Christ, Oprah, that’s not me. I can’t pretend to be something I’m not. I may be omnipotent, but I am powerless to your beauty. For real. Sigh…I don’t even know how to do this thing called love. I know you can’t say anything right now, and that’s fine. For years I’ve just been watching you sleep, watching you shower, watching you peel bananas…you’re intimidating, do you know that? Of course you do. I feel like you’ve always had men pining for you. All I can say is that I am God and that has to count for something. I do have a lot to offer.
First, I’m a nice guy. You know sunsets? That was my idea. I’m not the mean guy people say I am. I really enjoy the human race. They’re good people and I do everything I can to help them out. Though I will admit that I dropped the ball with Hitler. I really thought that he was just being sarcastic. And I couldn’t even understand what Mao was talking about. When do I have the time to learn Chinese? Ugh…you don’t even understand. Freud tells me that I am purposely neglectful because I never knew my mother. I don’t know. I’m really trying to be nicer. The hypnotherapy helps.
Also, I’ve got a good sense of humor. My late night talk show up here in Heaven did pretty well. I mean, I couldn’t beat Genghis Kahn’s cooking program for ratings, but my demographics for 16th to 18th century are way better. I wish you could have seen the monologue I did about evolution. It was something like, “So if I created Man in my own image and Charles Darwin thinks Man came from monkeys, than that must mean I used to be a monkey! Just thinking about it makes me go ape shit!” Holy hell, everyone was roaring. I tried to get Darwin on the show the next night, but there were apparently some scheduling conflicts. I just wanted to show that there were no hard feelings. It’s hard to shed this “Angry God” persona that humans pin on me. If only they knew that I bought the “Friends” box set the day it came out. And wow did I cry when you gave that helpless lymphoma kid a dog! I want you to know the real me, Oprah.
Lastly, I’m a demon in the sack. I’m not kidding. I mean, I created the vagina. Don’t even think I don’t know where that “G” spot is, because I totally know…Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t know where the “G” spot is. Why do I feel like I need to lie to you, Oprah? We have to be honest with each other. I’m just going to say it – I’m a virgin. I’ve never told anyone that. I feel stupid. It took me, seriously, five millennia to realize that I actually could have sex. By that point I had talked such a big game to Thomas Jefferson that I couldn’t just…you know. It’s my fault. I built myself up. I can’t even watch that Steve Carrel movie, even though that Hindu Elephant God (I’m so bad with names!) says it’s a riot. I hope this isn’t intimidating. Damn, I probably scared you away. I don’t know. I just think that you’d be gentle. And I really want you to be the first. I’ve seen you in bed with Stedman and I even watched during that tryst you had with Roger Ebert, but it honestly doesn’t bother me. It’s not like I killed their mothers solely because of that. Does this virgin thing bother you? I kind of hope it makes you want me more. I’ll admit that I masturbated once way back when, but Thor walked in on me and it was totally awkward and I’ve just felt so guilty about it since then. I’m really, really horny, Oprah. Fuck, I’m horny.
Am I rambling? I feel like I’m rambling.
Anywho, I should probably wrap this up. I know you have things to do, and so do I. I’ve been dodging the Dali Lama’s calls for months and I should probably get to that. I just don’t have the motivation to work anymore. I think I just need something to come home to other than my unicorn. It’d be really great if you died tomorrow and showed up at my doorstep. I could stage something really cool, like a bolt of lightning or a cheetah attack. Would you do that for your God? I’m just going to leave this note on your bedside. Let me know your answer by just circling “yes” or “no.”
[tags]trauma beans oprah winfrey god dali lama zach ayers[/tags]
Filed under 034 Zach Ayers, intss blog by on Mar 21st, 2007. 9 Comments.
I was just wondering and I can’t quite figure it out… Does the voice in my head sound like my speaking voice? Or do I hear a more masculine authoritative voice in my head while my speaking voice is a weaker version? Is that why when I hear my voice on tape it sounds so high and squeaky? It’s not the tape is it?
How can I speak with the voice in my head’s voice? Am I falling in love with the voice in my head? I want to meet the voice in my head. I want my wimpy speaking voice to meet the manly voice in my head, maybe it will learn a thing or two…
[tags]voice head going crazy[/tags]
Filed under 001 Imagination, intss blog by on Mar 20th, 2007. 4 Comments.
Enter to win! What is the man on the right of xacto-man-model saying?
Leave your entry in the comments section of this post. Good luck!
Winner receives some stuff and and an e-card.
[tags]xacto man model contest win winner ecard[/tags]
Filed under 001 Imagination, intss blog by on Mar 20th, 2007. 6 Comments.
