Ah, The LA River – what a source of inspiration!

I went to the Los Angeles River with Kelly the other day. A very bleak place; we entered right off of Firestone Drive, the company responsible for mobilizing LA with the help of John Paul Getty’s money. We walked alongside a machine shop and then across an abandoned railway onto a trestle bridge.

Kelly was there to shoot a documentary on wildlife in the LA River – I was along for support and to finally take a close look at the river, if you can even call it that. Flanked by concrete and dirt walls and kept to a narrow channel in the middle where it was occasionally allowed to fan out in smaller pools, the river fascinatingly flowed rather quickly.

I took a few pictures and noticed, amongst the other debris, a few shopping carts in the river. Upon closer inspection, you could see that the shopping carts had tossed and turned and finally found their final resting positions and somehow managed to form an island behind them, downstream.

Well, Los Angeles, never misses an opportunity to capitalize on something great so I figured why not sell these islands to companies so they can advertise on them. There are a handful of people who walk along the river that would most definitely appreciate these priceless advertisements.

I really don’t think I’ll have any problem convincing companies to buy an island that would serve as an semi-permanent advertising Mecca on the LA river for an extremely marginal cost; the real challenge will be getting out there and wading my across to put up the advertisement. The bottom of the river is slippery with algae and the current is fairly swift.

I’ve devised a full-proof method for which one can stake claim on these islands – pictured below and only executed in the event that someone actually buys one of these precious islands.

I would have two poles, not necessarily as tall as the pictured ones, one on each side of the river with a taught cable connecting them at the top. Each pole would be weighted down and manned so it wouldn’t tip over. I would have another cable attached to a belt which I would wear and then attach the other side to the main cable so it could move across the river and hold me into place in the event of a rogue wave, flash flood, a tragic slip, and just for all around safety. And another cable (not pictured) would be connected to my belt and would be given to one of the people at the pole stations, so they could pull me into shore in the case of an emergency.

Once harnessed in and decked out in full wader gear, I would make my across to the shopping cart island with the company’s advertisement in hand. The advertisement would be made entirely out of wood, say a wood burned advertisement on a wooden post for example, or the sign could be made of sheet metal attached to a wooden post.

When I reach the island I would bury the post in the soft silt and island’s plant life. To secure it, I would tie the post to the cart and have some sort of bottom weight. Once the company advertisement is secure and set on the most visible side of the island, I would make my way back to shore.

And whalah, another opportunity seized.

If you own your own business or run the advertising/ marketing section of a company and want to seize this incredible opportunity, please pick up the phone and dial 5-1-0-8-7-2-7-3-2-6. Price will be determined on the size of your company and the nature of the advertisement.

Operator standing by.

island