Marc: Where were you born?
Jon: Portsmouth, New Hampshire and France!
M: What is your nom de plume?
J: Jean Douche
M: When did you first realize you had a talent?
J: When I performed an Elvis impersonation.
M: Didn’t you get arrested for impersonating an officer?
M: Tell us about it?
J: I can’t talk about that; it sucks getting arrested!
M: What is your talent? Why are you here?
J: I’m adventurous and gay! I am a famous French writer here to take an idea of yours and turn it into beautiful prose. I am an international wordsmith!
M: Good to know. My idea (for a story) is that a stripper gets fed up with her line of work and wants a change. She visits a plastic surgeon and asks that he make her a Triceratops. What will become of her???? Good luck with this.
(story coming tomorrow – in the meantime you can see some of Jon’s writings on his site www.myrobotispregnant.com)
If you’d like to be a guest on i need to stop soon, please shoot me an e-mail at marc at ineedtostopsoon dot com. thanks!
Loretta came to me in April. She wanted a consultation for aggressive cosmetic surgery, so I met with her on a Tuesday afternoon. Loretta was a stripper, and didn’t work Monday nights. She was my two o’clock.
When she came into my office I fumbled with my pen. Sure, I’ve seen a lot of people naked, I’m in the flesh business myself. But with Loretta, it wasn’t just the skin, or the fatty tissue beneath it that gave it such beautiful roundness, or the white angora sweater she wore that exposed her golden tan (and very taught) belly, it was her eyes. She had such captivating eyes I unconsciously flicked my pen across my desk and slammed my left hand down on it before it skittered onto the floor.
“Come in,” I said, trying to frown and shuffle papers. The eye is my favorite muscle in the human body, and I married my wife because of hers. I thought about my wife’s eyes for a moment, set the papers back down, and offered Loretta a seat.
We exchanged pleasantries, then dove right in. I had reviewed Loretta’s intake form that morning. Loretta wanted to be given the face of a Triceratops. This is the dinosaur that looks like a scaly rhinoceros with three horns protruding from its head. I’d googled it to be sure. The late Cretaceous Period, approximately 65 million years ago, skulls and partial skeletons found in Canada and Western United States. Here we were in Sacramento. 65 million years later.
“Doctor, I’ve brought some photos. A friend at the club did them on his computer.” She passes a floppy plastic folder across the desk to me. Inside were photos, digitally altered, of Loretta doing what I believe is called “pole work”, with those long strong legs wrapped around a brass pole, supporting her as she hung upside down, bringing her breasts up high on her chest, her thin neck tapering into the bony protective plates of a female Triceratops.
“This just might work,” I thought to myself. God. It was madness. Of course it couldn’t work. The weight of three horns, cartilaginous scales, the bone necessary to sculpt a protruding jaw-line, it would weigh sixty pounds, at least. She’d never
work the pole again. Not without bulking up those hamstrings.
“Loretta, nothing like this has ever been done. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I need to know why you want to do it before we talk any more about it.” I had shut the folder, but my hand rested on top of it. I wasn’t ready to give it back.
“It’s a feminist thing. You wouldn’t understand,” she said.
“I took Intro to Women’s Studies. Try me.”
“In my line of work, I’m just a body. Sure, some guys appreciate the athleticism of my finer pole work, and some guys kind of get that it isn’t easy to do a cartwheel in six inch heels, but in the end, I’m a stripper. They want to see me naked. That’s
enough for them.”
“And turning into a triceratops…?”
“It will force people to think about who I am, not just look at my tits.” She said.
I absentmindedly opened the folder back up and looked at her tits. Real money makers. Good thing god doesn’t make patents. I could use these to go on. “Knock it off, Rolston,” I said to myself. “This woman is serious. Do you help her or not?”
“So you plan to continue stripping?” I asked her.
“I don’t know. Sometimes I think yes, it would be great to walk onstage in a cute outfit, like a Game Warden or something, and Bobby, the DJ, he’s the one who scanned those images of me and “Cera”, (that’s what I call triceratops) and he could
play some T. Rex or something, and I’d do my thing and watch the men at the tables face’s… they’d freak out! It would be so great! But sometimes I think it would be a nice way to get me to change my lifestyle. There’s a lot of drugs and alcohol abuse
in this business, not to mention problems with sex. I think this procedure would be what I need to break a cycle. If people aren’t responding to my pretty face, it will force me to not rely on my looks anymore either. I’m really into breaking down all this body image dependency.”
A question popped into my head.
“Why a triceratops?” I asked. Loretta had been waving her hands all around and now they had fallen silent, one on each arm of the chair she sat in. She gripped the armrests and smiled.
“The horns. They’re horny.” She was still smiling. “They have three of them. Three is a very powerful number. It represents wholeness. I don’t know.” Her smile faded and she tilted her head and her eyes became vacant. She was picturing something in
“Loretta, I know this will sound weird, but I want you to meet my wife. She is a paleontologist. A specialist in the Mesozoic period. The Age of Reptiles. I think you can help each other. What do you say?”
End of Chapter One.
Jon and I would like to open this story up to you. We really couldn’t come up with a good ending so… write one and either e-mail it to me, firstname.lastname@example.org, or post it in the comments section of this posting.
Thanks and good luck.
YES!!! I finally have i need to stop soon merch! Tons of it – from baby bibs to organic t-shirts. Check it out, buy some stuff, help keep this site going, http://www.cafepress.com/marchorowitz!!
This merch has the INTSS logo on it this month; I’ll offer a new design every month.
I’m also looking to advertise on the site for a select few folks. Watch your small business grow into large factories. If you are interested lets talk, shoot me an e-mail, marc at ineedtostopsoon dot com.
I’ve always been fascinated with Sci-fi films, and my finally my dream has come true; I’ve been asked to put together a pilot presentation for a Sci-Fi TV show. Never really written a sci-fi show, so I thought it would be nice to open it up to y’all and make the show about your homemade sc-fi shorts. They can be up to ten minutes long, give or take a few. Whatever you wan to make!
Here are a few examples I found on a random sci-fi video search:
If you know someone or have something you want to submit, please send a dvd or vhs to me, Marc Horowitz, at 4040 Vineland Ave, Suite 105; Studio City, CA 91604
… or email a link if it’s online to marc at ineedtostopsoon dot com.
Thanks! You’ll retain all your rights and nothing will be broadcast without your consent. Good luck and have fun.
Coming Soon – PYSCHO (PREVIOUSLY) FROZEN CELEBRITY DRAG RACING
The year is 2806 and The Squirrels have taken over Earth. They just love good ol’ live entertainment with humans. What will happen to our race?? What does this mean for cryogenisized (or frozen) humans???
I’m looking to add some advertising on my site for some cash to keep this site going.
I get anywhere between 200,000 hits to 350,000 hits a month. Not your Yahoo! of sites, but a decent amount of traffic.
Not just any ole’ company can advertise here; I’m looking for small businesses, individual artists, green companies, independents, micro-brew companies, illustrators, photographers, graphic designers, web-based companies, clothing designers, architects, product designers, publishers, film makers, general weirdos, and just about anyone else who falls not to far to the left or right of all that.
You’d have a little patch of “land” on the homepage for a month and the advertising model would be very similar to that of boingboing.net .
There are three sizes of advertising depending on how much you want to spend. Additionally, you can purchase space above and below the fold (the part where you need to start scrolling down).
Small – 150 x 60
Medium – 125 x 125
Large – 300 x 60 (at the very top and only one per month)
You can put whatever you like in your little plot, and watch your profit margins grow exponentially!!!
If you are interested, please e-mail me at (marc at ineedtostopsoon dot com) and I’ll send you a price breakdown.
Group Portrait 1: Little Joy’s Bar, Silverlake, LA, CA
I ended up doing the free piggy back rides on Rodeo Drive, the project that got the most votes from The Human Video Game Experiment (HVGE) post. It was fun and terribly exhausting. No pictures or videos yet; soon though.
This project you see here is an alteration of one of the HVGE projects listed, group portraits in public places. Originally, I was going to just stick to subway cars, and simply organize everyone on the car into a group portrait. It was too limiting though, so I took it elsewhere.
Please, please. You have to try this. Go into a place, an elevator, a library, a bar, a hot dog stand, a clothing store, your bank, wherever, and organize as many people there as you can into a group portrait. Cheese – and take the picture!!! If you can get everyone there in the picture, I’ll send you a snickers bar. Got it? Most of these people are strangers and you’ll have to do a little convincing.
Oh yeah, you can pose in the photos if you like. Usually there is someone there who is shy, but doesn’t mind taking the picture for you.
Please send your group portrait photos to me, no cheating (not just you and your friends), at – marc at ineedtostopsoon dot com. Let me know where you took it and in what city and state.
Thanks and I can’t wait to see these. I’d like to put all of these in a zine. It’d be special.
p.s. I’ll post some more HVGE projects to vote on soon. I like that project.
Group Portrait 2: CalArts Art Opening, Valencia, CA
Group Portrait 3: William Morris Agency (mailroom), Beverly Hills, CA
“What exactly is imitation crab meat? ”
I know we have the glorious internet to help us answer all these burning questions, but if you have a long-standing question you’d love to resolve, please let me know. I can and will go to great lengths to answer it. Either post it under comments or send it to me – marc at ineedtostopsoon dot com .
Note: imitation cheese is made out of vegetable oil.