LOS ANGELES, Wednesday – After years and years of Research & Development in an underground Stanford laboratory, scientists have finally unveiled what has been hailed as “the best” solution for the ever-growing Los Angeles traffic problem: “The Not-So-Invisible Giant Hand,” or simply, “Big Hand.”
Over 200 years after Adam Smith’s economic theory of an “Invisible Hand,” Governor Schwarzenegger’s traffic theory of a “Not-So-Invisible Hand” is finally realized, bringing past and present together once again.
“The time was right,” Schwarzenegger proclaimed. “After all, these hands have something we want – a firm grip on traffic control. And we also as well have also something that they want – cars. Who are we to keep these big hands from their desires?”
Scientists describe the Big Hand propulsion system as “A combination of an advanced sub-atomic jet and good ol’ fashioned black magic.” This supernatural speed allows the Big Hands to arrive at the scene of an accident up to 3,501 times faster than law enforcement, tow trucks, or emergency services. The Big Hands are also equipped with a 360-degree digital camera and were given temporary CPR licenses.
When asked if the Big Hands would be given the ability to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, one scientist replied, “That’d just be weird.”
Seventy-five “Not-So-Invisible Giant Hands” were deployed today in Los Angeles. Witnesses on I-5 describe the Big Hands as “really Goddamn scary giant hands.” This morning, one car’s highway collision with a guardrail served as the first Big Hands traffic assistance.
The driver, 75-year-old Max Melmo, describes the scene:
“I was just resting my head on the airbag when a Big Hand peeled back my roof and carried me away in its fist. Once I arrived at the impound lot, several hours had passed and there was snow on the ground. When I asked where I was, the Big Hand stuck out its middle finger and flew away. It turns out this was definitely not the right impound lot and, to make matters worse, I believe the Big Hand stole my wallet. I have the strange feeling that soon these Big Hands will put us under their thumbs and will destroy the human race.”
The Los Angeles Police Department is looking into these accusations.
What if restaurants and waiting rooms had scratch-and-sniff walls? So while you are waiting to see your dentist, for example, you could go around the room and scratch certain parts of the wall and smell different things. Is this totally impractical, like a nose hair trimmer that simultaneously scratches your chin when you use it or a toilet that plays Neil Diamond’s “America,” when you flush it?
Disclaimer: I’m not sure what my deal is in writing “today” in the title of these last two posts, cause it implies that I may be doing this everyday, and I won’t.