Things get kinda out of hand and take ahold of you sometimes. I’m sure you can relate. Here are 50 things that happened to me over the last few weeks:
1) My heart got broke
2) I sold my RV. The only reason it sold is cause the guy that came to look at it left his 5 year old son in the RV and he pulled the emergency brake, which sent the RV right into my neighbor’s fence. He had to buy it then (or at least I made him).
3) I reminisced on the first kiss I had. I built an igloo for the occasion. Lots of drool was involved.
4) I buried the hatchet with myself.
5) I turned 30! I went to the arcade for my birthday… for 5 hours! They say 30 is the new 15!
6) I went on an audition and had a hard time saying “postage stamps!!!” Why? I know it’s cause I’m from Ohio.
7) I realized quite a many things about life.
8) I got my first grey leg hair!
9) I thought I invented something new, but I found it on the internet!
10) I found out I may have ripped my meniscus in my knee cause I jumped off a 15-foot wall thinking it was a good idea at the time. Dumbass.
11) I made some new friends; they are all crazy!
12) I wrote a list of things I’d like to see; top on the list is a Bob Barker microphone line.
13) I tried a new type of sugar substitute; it was awful and I can’t remember the name of it.
14) I took out almost a months worth of recycling that has been slowing amassing all over my apartment.
15) I tried to quit smoking.
16) I realized that during every second of the day somewhere a cat is meowing.
17) I entered to win!
18) I tried driving across town with a flat tire.
19) I was mistaken for “Napoleon Dynamite” more than 10 times.
20) I bought some sweet ass comic books; best line – Mr. T is riding a mule and he says, “I pity the mule!”
21) My hard drive took a shit on me!
22) I found out that my neighbor directed the hot great new porn flick, “Brittany Rears!” He showed me the poster and told me all about it.
23) I had a dinner that consisted entirely of canned clams and a half a sausage – I call it “sandy surprise au sausage.”
24) I’ve consumed more coffee this last month than probably most of you will consume in a quarter life-time!
25) My laundry is still sitting in the laundry room from two weeks ago cause nobody will give me quarters!! I asked my bank Washington Mutual for some, and they told me they were fresh out. How the f*^k can a bank be fresh out of quarters!?!?! And every other business acts like they’ve never seen a quarter in their lives!! Same damn thing happens when you need change for a parking meter! Nobody has seen change before – EVER! Ok, this is obviously a sensitive issue.
26) I got a bottle of 18 year-old scotch.
27) I’m going to skip this!
28) I somehow ended up in Orange County. I then somehow ended up sleeping on one of those parking lot islands at this fancy mall there. My arms fell asleep and when I got up there were all these Briggs money trucks around me. I felt like shit and I went and got a roast beef sandwich from the Lawry’s Cafeteria.
29) I got super f*^king sick on carnival food. I had this weird seafood pancake. Why is it that when I’m at the fair, I think I can eat super weird things and come away unscathed; last time I had a brain sandwich with very similar after effects.
30) I found that laughing at houseplants can be quite amusing!
31) I put a quarter in and nothing happened.
32) I got my first haircut where the barber didn’t say a word to me. I even asked questions and he didn’t reply. It felt weird.
33) I had another dream about Oprah Winfrey. She really likes me.
34) My mom mailed me the Bon Jovi boxset for my birthday. Why?
35) My mint plant died.
36) I can’t bring myself to realize certain things.
37) I bought a really crappy razor cause it was on sale. I hate that.
38) I finally returned my overdue library books. When are they going to have a book delivery service a la Netflix.
39) I watched all the Discovery channel’s new show “survivor man.”
40) I wrote a TV show
41) I went on an audition to become a game show host! HAHAHAHA!!
42) Awesome band: The Shaggs
43) Lebanon – such a mess!
44) I cried for the first time whilst reading the paper.
45) I am the human ice-maker.
46) I realized that cologne might be a good solution.
47) I switched soaps.
48) I finally paid some of my 2003 taxes.
49) My cactus is flowering.
50) and here it is folks… the devil and angel that sit upon my shoulders finally have joined forces against my logic.
This is just one of my newest farm animal-vegitable hybrid creations. I also have the carracow (half cow half carrot) and the lechelamb (half lamb half leche fruit). Look for me in the papers! I’m gonna get seven jets and a remote controlled bear skin rug!
[tags]roostapotata, animal, rooster, potato, awesome, cow, carrot[/tags]